it's a weird feeling that's settled into my subconscious lately.
the first six months, i was focused on our newness and goal of enjoying and learning all we could from the phase of newlywedness and the fact that it was finally just us two, alone, starting life from square one.
the last six months, the utter fear of the next part of life has fallen away. it's still big and unknown and frightening to me...being responsible and losing sleep for small, needy humans that are constantly in my care; never catching a break; all the change that life will go through as we adjust to it all...
but i'm more excited and anticipating the challenges than i used to be.
it outweighs the fear now.
70% anticipation, 30% wondering, freaking out.
i know life throws wild cards, i feel like we have the beginning of understanding each other and how we work and disagree and cope and process things...in this relationship called marriage.
i'm no longer scared that i'll look back and wonder about what it would've been like if we'd gotten to know and experience ourselves, alone, in this life just for a while...to know life before children, before our family was started...so we'd know the difference between the two, and be able to savor the one before, and then step into the new one knowing we'd explored the level of 'game' before.
and hey, i might have this all wrong. i might have all these thoughts backward, and all my friends who are parents are shaking their heads and sighing at my writings. but this is all part of my life, my thoughts, my wonderings. and in time, i'll learn through life and its experiences, and as it always --constantly-- happens to every one of us, my perspective will change. i might read this someday, 2-10 years down the road, and just smile at it all and how different my mindset was. who cares.
i guess i didn't want to just skip ahead.
each chapter is important, isn't it?
childhood. teenagehood. single young adult-ness. newly married. becoming parents. grandparents. done.
i wanted to make sure we enjoyed the heck out of details inside the present moment of newlywedness.
and boy, we have. life was busy and weird and full and boring and exciting growing up and becoming who i am so far today, and wedding planning was enjoyable but there's no denying the relief that comes after the day has been lived through, and everything began and ended well. then, this first year of marriage, getting to know the quirks of living with and communicating in real life with my friend turned boyfriend turned fiance turned ohmyword we're married and sleep together and wake up together and i'm a morning person and you're not and i need my coffee before i can discuss this and let me help you get ready for work, what do you want for lunch.
there are so many sweet, lovely firsts in our first year of marriage; especially because we were long distance from the beginning; 6 hours kind of long distance.
and it's not that the sparkle or sweetness has gone away; it's just that the canvas of life pulls at the soul to explore the meaningful future things that are in any unique heart of each of us. hard things, dreamy things. both things, twisted together, making something so worthwhile you love it more than when you started.
i find myself feeling like life has wound down a little...and it's waiting for us to turn the page to the next chapter. i feel so excited thinking about it. the sense of it being the right time...i like it. it's not the Perfect time...but it feels like we're close to the Right time. by no means is everything perfect and lined up in stellar condition and that's the reason why i feel so at peace. nope.
heck, we're about to go on our first anniversary trip this tuesday till saturday, and because of the weekend night shifts that he's going to need to take off regarding our not being home yet, there have been sudden up-croppings of complications from different supervisors and he may not get his extra holiday paycheck for the time off. so we're going to eat and drink a bit more frugally when we're in Portland. but that doesn't stop the ability to enjoy ourselves. it's the knowing we'll be together and exploring a whole new city, a whole new part of the nation we've never been to. i can't wait to experience the west coast.
and i can't wait to see what our second year of life together in this marriage brings.